You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
You Might Also Like
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes