His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
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At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
Jogging has never helped my memory.
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.