you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
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I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.