Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
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Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff