Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
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In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
That’s no pocket rocket.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.