When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
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Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence