Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
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The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?