Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
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I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite