All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
That de-escalated quickly
Duck typos.
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.