I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
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Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me: