I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
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My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
Cats are still liquid.
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science