I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
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Meow
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.
Not even remotely sorry.
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!