I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
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I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
life finds a way
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.