Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
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the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
I can’t deal with men any longer
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.