Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
You Might Also Like
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
“There’s no butter left”
“I don’t understand”
“I turned it into ghee”
“OK, thanks for clarifying”
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
Sunday