“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
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I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them