Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
You Might Also Like
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
and this one
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?