My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
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I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.