Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
You Might Also Like
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
Noted.
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
my lower back watching me try to live my life
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia