every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
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Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed