Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
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Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?