everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
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Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.