Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
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I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
Me: how are you
Friday: good
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer