“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
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[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane