I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
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Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
ugh not again
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
buying dead houseplants to save time
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
No regrets in 2018
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.