Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
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Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
Me trying to reach for my goals
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
it is time once again