Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
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I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
🔦🌙👣
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened