Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
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“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
Grandmother clock.
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor