My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
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[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
your elf on the shelf was delicious
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
This will never not be funny to me.
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.