When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
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My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.