“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
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What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.