Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
You Might Also Like
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.