when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
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My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
greetings!
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
me refusing to leave twitter
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT