nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
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oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet