finally found a reasonable question
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Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”