Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
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Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
me during winter: will I ever love again
me the moment the sun comes out: I have fallen in love four times in the same stretch of road
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.