They got Raph!
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Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
why no one uses midhusbands
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.