My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
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Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
marvel comics have peaked
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
why isn’t he texting back
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.