band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
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Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will