school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
You Might Also Like
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
HR said no more nunchucks.
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.