Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
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“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
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