Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
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*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
The game has officially changed 😎
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this