When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
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parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
love it when they get my name right
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air