The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
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I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
Those are good neighbors.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.