When your man makes a valid point
You Might Also Like
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
Some of y’all tomorrow …
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food