My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
You Might Also Like
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
Ironic
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
lmfao come on
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.