Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
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*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
There is no “ea” in Tim.
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
Coffee is ready.
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.