Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
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‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?