Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
You Might Also Like
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
A French press is when you hug naked
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
Oh. My. God.
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt