Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
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[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
I would like even faster food.
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
Awwwww shit.
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.